Saturday, March 24, 2007

Random Musings on the First Part of Friday's "Ohmpen Lines"

Man. Noory is - .... tonight's show is slipshod, as usual, but even in the first 40 minutes or so -especially before the guest came on- there have been some extra special "moments".

For one thing, somebody keeps cranking the reverb - almost as if the engineer is doing it just to fuck with Noory's head. It'll come in for 5-20 seconds or so, then go back to normal - but it's super cavernous. It's not my radio, and it's not my ears playing tricks, cuz Cecil heard it on the radio in the other room. Noory didn't comment on it, which is odd, since usually the tiniest of audio changes or slip-ups bugs him so much he's compelled to comment on it.

Also when Noory was reading one of his regular "nutritional/medical supplement" commercials -- I can't remember which one it was for -- he started it out the way he normally does, in a fakey, casual manner, trying to ad-lib a bit as he was reading the regular copy and information. You know what I mean, right? Trying to "personalize it" a little bit to make us think he's just chatting with us? Well! A sentence or so into it, he quit ad-libbing and began reading more quickly, then faster and faster and faster. So much so that he was nearly tripping over words. I don't mean the way he normally mispronounces or stumbles over words, this was like his mind was actually a couple of steps ahead of his mouth for the first time in his life and he didn't know what to do with himself. So much so that you could hear him getting audibly nervous, even pausing for a super-brief moment to fearfully gasp. I started laughing it was so funny, it was like a nerve wracking episode of I Love Lucy where she got stuck on an assembly-line that had been sped up.

All of this is especially funny because just last night, at approximately 3:09 Eastern Time, he proudly proclaimed to a caller that "I normally have my act together in EVERYTHING I do." And he did not say it tongue in cheek - he totally believed that statement the moment he said it. (Then he went on to tell how he was trying to put diesel fuel into his gasoline guzzling SUV.) So anyhoo, it was a good laugh, and I wondered if maybe someone in the studio was just in the mood to fuck with him tonight / this morning. Maybe tricking him into thinking that he was behind schedule and needed to "beat the clock" to get the commercial spit out on time.

But then, yanno, just now, I thought about how people act when they've just done a line (or something) of coke, and how they act when it kicks in. It seems to happen in just a split second's time - one moment they're normal, then it's like somebody flips a switch and "Instant Motor Mouth!". In one way I can't imagine Noory doing coke. Or smoking pot - which some people have theorized is part of the reason why he talks, thinks and acts like such a dipshit. On the other hand, he is in the entertainment business, where that shit is so common place, even among entertainers you would NEVER, EVER suspect. Gospel singers, and "family bluegrass bands" and such. So why not Noory? He's so enamored of the word "dabble" (ergh! I HATE that word, it just made me literally cringe just thinking and typing it...) , and he's confessing to dabbling in a variety of activities, so why would "expuhrimenting" with drugs be out of the question? Especially since he is SOOOOOOOO enamored of all things Hollywood, and he desperately wants to seem hip and cool soooooooo badly; and he is so simple-minded, not to mention afflicted with a terminal case of arrested development, that I could see him "doing a bump" if some cool guy in the studio offered him one. Maybe under the pretense of "Hey, it's just a little one, and it'll help that back pain of yours! It's not very much at all, you won't even feel it!", or some such thing.

I dunno. Just kooky speculation and fantasizing. No concrete evidence. Lobbing shit over the wall. Letting my mind wander. Hard telling what people might get up to. But the thought of him doing drugs led to another thought I had when I was reading his book last fall, and it was about an "near death episode" he claimed to have had.

Now, we all know that Noory makes up all kinds of shit regarding paranormal experiences he may have had. Although he does that with everything else, too, so WTF, Australia? He's mentioned this "death" episode of his on the air before, too, and maybe in a print interview or chat somewhere, I don't recall for sure, but I've heard him allude to it several times. Each time he mentions it, it's only brief enough to let people know he's been "clinically dead" before, and that's about as far as he's willing to go.

I should add that once on Coast he even elaborated enough to "confess" that it was only for a split second. He said he was just dead for a split second. So I guess he sneezed or something, I dunno.... But how big of a boob and a jackass do you have to be to think that being "dead" for 1/10th of a second counts as even so much as a Near Death Experience, let alone having "come back from the dead"? What a fucking moron!!)

Why did I bring that up? I'll tell you. I think it mighta been in his book, but in one of the sources I got the impression that his "death experience" was around the time he and one of his wives lived in St. Louis and it was in their home (maybe), and around the time he had his own production company. I can't recall why all this struck me this way, or exact words - I could be totally off base, just one of the impressions I got, submitted for your considerations. The one concrete thing I do know is that he has clearly stated more than once that is is something he does not speak of, and does not want to give any more details about, and that it was a part of his life he didn't care to revisit.

Do what you will with that. I know what it sounds like to me. There are at least two places that I know most of you will take it, if only to entertain for a moment.


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