Friday, March 02, 2007

Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment

Let's see if I can lob a few random observations over the wall without getting too talky and obsessing on one subject...

First of all, me 'n' Agent K have decided we'd like to hook Noory up to an electric shock machine during his shows. Anytime he mispronounces a word, makes a grammatical error or uses the wrong word, misuses the word 'synchronicity', says he doesn't believe in coincidences, employs a Malapropism, slurps, says something that contradicts what he's told us in the past - especially pertaining to personal affairs - , asks a guest or caller a question they have already supplied an answer to, talks about going out to dinner, or says something that he is obviously just making up on the spot, he gets a low-voltage shock.

Wouldn't that be fun?! Nothing serious - just enough to make him very uncomfortable for a few seconds. Maybe piss himself the first time - that'd be cool. He tortures us on a nightly basis, I see no reason why we shouldn't return the favor.

I think we should also extend the list of offenses to anytime he uses his beloved crutch words & phrases, (feel free to ad to the list, I know I'm forgetting lots of them....) such as "strange", "simply", "I gotta tell ya", "basically", "'preciate you participating in the program", "I've always been fascinated by...", "merely", "I love it", "Ghost", "2012", etc.

He should also get a shock anytime he talks about "his" dogs. God dammit it sickens me to talk about these dogs. Whenever he does the Purina One commercials, he ad-libs about these damn dogs he gives free food to and talks about them as if he's some kind of dog lover and knows something about dogs. Often he'll vaguely qualify what sort of relationship he really has with these animals, but last night he flat out claimed that he has three dogs. "I have three dogs, blah, blah, blah- all of them in St.Louis...." Even the dog that is "his" isn't his. Somebody else takes care of it for the 3/4 of the year that he lives in California.

Now I ask you, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT, and WHY would anyone want a dog when they see it and live with it for three months a year, and the rest of the time it's kept in a cage in his house in St. Louis, where somebody comes and feeds and walks it a couple times a day. Actually I don't know if he still keeps this dog - a yellow lab puppy - in a cage anymore, but he did for awhile. I assume because he didn't want it peeing on the rug and chewing up the furniture in his absence. He had somebody take the dog to obedience classes recently, so it may be all housebroken now. He says she's more well behaved. But what the fuck, man??!!! Puppies need to interact and to play with their people and to bond. Not to be left alone, or even with strangers, 3/4 of their lives.

I'll tell ya why Noory has this dog, and claims these other two dogs are his: It's because he knows a lot of his audience are animal lovers and he's trying to play to the crowd. He knew coming into the show that most of Art's fans loved to hear about his cats, most of them were strays he took in, and they also loved Art's interest and compassion for animals in general. When George came aboard C2C, he tried like hell to convince the audience he was an animal lover, but he didn't have me fooled for one second. It's been clear from the beginning that he doesn't know shit about dogs, and his knowledge has increased very little even since he has actually owned a dog of his own. And that's about all he does is "own" it. No real dog lover would do their dog the way he does his poor little puppy. Lord I feel so sorry for her. He talks about how she about wags her tail right off when he comes home to St. Louis, and thinks it's because she loves him. Bless her heart, she probably does, too, just because that's how dogs are. But she's likely wagging her tail more because she's just glad to see somebody, and she knows when she sees Noory that at least there will be one person hanging around full time for any length of time. If he really loved her that much, he should at least take her back and forth to LA with him now and then.

By the way, for those of you who don't know, one of "his" dogs is a gift he gave to a friend, but since he gives his friend free Purina One dog food that he gets for free from his sponsor, apparently that makes it HIS DOG, even though somebody else loves it & cares for it in their home 24/7/365; and the other dog is a stray that he & somebody found and later found a home for... and I'd be willing to bet you that Noory never cared for the dog in his own home for any length of time, and probably made no effort to find it a new home other than to mention on the air that "he" took in a stray dog out of the kindness of his heart.

Bottom line is, I think it's fucking sick that he is such a selfish, self-serving bastard that he'd use this poor animal the way he does, just to garner favor from the animal lovers in his audience, and in order to have a prop to use while he's doing commercials for Purina One. I imagine when they stop sponsoring the show he'll just give the damn dog away. Seriously, a real animal lover who has the kind of schedule and lifestyle that he does would never even consider owning an animal, let alone a fucking dog. A cat might fare a little better in the deal, but even cats need attention. And it goes without saying that dogs require loads and loads of time with their owners. George Noory is just a clueless, selfish prick.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Agent K said...

This dog business has been bothering me too. I guess he's just using them as his little props. What a phony.

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh, yes a little shock treatment for old slippery lips every night as he greets his guest saying/singing, "how aaaare yyyouuuuu". That would suit me just fine.

4:48 AM  

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